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What (Not) to Wear, Grand Prix Edition

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So sorry for the delay in this fashion post but consider it my holiday present!  Here is my advice to the skaters, based on the Grand Prix season:

Don't:  Be a man with a cleavage issue.  But if you are, at least there is help these days:

The bandeau for him, modeled by Hao Zhang
The corset with hot pink laces, a new Johnny Weir signature
The circle bra. Ok, so it doesn't provide much coverage, but doesn't Brent Bommentre sell it?

And if all else fails, let it all hang out with torso mesh.  Thank you, Evan Lysacek, for creating an online fervor over whether certain parts of your anatomy were visible through your  various outfits.

Don't:  Impersonate a Jackson Pollack painting.  Sarah Hecken, you know who you are.

Don't:  Give the judges vertigo.  Assymetry often works in skating costumes.  Just not if your name is Tanith Belbin and the event is the Skate America free dance.  

Don't:  Wear cosmonaut hand-me downs.  I can only assume Volosozhar and Morozov were inspired by Lost in Space 2008.

Don't:  Draw attention to your shoulders and hands with feathers when you already have the wingspan of a condor (so true, Kelli!).

Don't: Abuse nude fabric by placing symbols in distracting locations. In two different events with two different costumes.  Love those strategically placed snake heads, Miki!

Don't:  Dress up like three-year-old twins at Sears Portrait Studio (Bobrova and Soloviev).

Don't:  Wear one-shouldered overalls unless you are trying to remind me of early 90s fashion (shudder, Samuel Contesti, why!?) or, specifically, this episode of "Saved by the Bell."

Don't: Dress up as fat Elvis. Chris Reed.

Don't:  Be overly literal. Over-interpretation of music provided us with Savchenko and Szolkowy as clowns for "Send in the Clowns," paw prints for Yu and Wang (guess the music!), and what I have deemed "buckle chic" from Kevin van der Perren and Krasilnikova and Bezmaternikh ("Pirates of the Carribean").  I had no idea there was such a buckle fetish among skaters.

DO!: Wear a checkered shirt, or cravat, or whatever it was if you are Daisuke Takahashi.  This would not work on anyone else in the world (sorry, Johnny!).  I hope he received execution points.

DO!:  Wear anything Alissa Czisny tells you to.

DO!:  Wear Daisy Dukes.  Of course they're appropriate!  Ice dancers Emily Samuelson and Sinead Kerr can compete over who wore them best.

DO!:  Wear lederhosen.  All of those Heidi-esque ice dancers were adorable.

DO!: Dress as a lawn jockey, because it may be the most memorable part of your performance, Alban Preaubert.

And, finally, DO!:  Find a color for your dress that is even brighter than your bright yellow hair.  The judges will be impressed by your resourcefulness, and the audience should have brought sunglasses anyway.  Thank you, Kiira Korpi, Elena Glebova, and Annette Dytrt (honorable mention).